Why You Can Be Safe but Not Feel Safe: And What Horses Mirror
Safety isn’t just a thought. It’s a nervous system experience.
There’s a big difference between being safe and feeling safe:
- Being safe means there’s no present-moment threat.
- Feeling safe means your nervous system agrees.
If you’ve ever been in a totally normal moment, nothing dangerous is actually happening, but your body is acting like something is wrong, you’re not alone. You might notice a tight chest, foggy thinking, an urge to escape, or a sudden numbness. That’s often a conditioned response: an inner state that doesn’t match your outer reality.
This is where a tool called dual awareness can help.
What is dual awareness? A nervous system tool for feeling safe
Dual awareness is when you place equal attention on your outer world and your inner world.
It helps you check for congruence between:
- what’s actually happening right now, and
- what your nervous system is experiencing.
When your inner experience matches your outer circumstances, you’re more likely to respond with choice and clarity.
Step 1: How to check for safety in your environment
Before we do anything internal, we start with the obvious question: Am I actually unsafe right now?
If there’s a real present-moment threat, that’s not the time to talk yourself out of it. Your nervous system is doing its job.
If you’re physically safe, here are a few gentle ways to orient to the present moment:
- What do I see right now?
- Where are my feet?
- What sounds do I hear?
Step 2: How to check your breathing, body, and thoughts
Next, shift your awareness inward and notice what’s happening without forcing it to change.
- Breath: fast, slow, shallow, deep
- Body: tense, relaxed, strained
- Thoughts: scattered, racing, absent, foggy, sharp, hyper-alert
Then try naming your experience in a way that creates a little space:
- “A part of me feels scared.”
- “A part of me wants to leave.”
Instead of:
This small shift can help you stay connected to what’s happening inside without becoming consumed by it.
Step 3: How to tell if you are safe but not feeling safe
Now that you’ve tuned into both your outer world and inner world, ask:
Does my internal experience match my external circumstances?
- Being safe + feeling safe is a congruent state.
- Being safe + feeling unsafe is an incongruent state.
Incongruence doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It often means your nervous system is responding from old learning rather than present-moment reality.
What horses mirror in equine-assisted therapy: congruence and nervous system state
When working with horses, they can support this process by mirroring congruence or incoherence in real time.
Horses are especially sensitive to authenticity. They don’t care if you’re sad, mad, bad, or glad. What matters most is whether your inner state is congruent with your outward expression.
As you attempt to connect, you may notice patterns in how horses respond.
Signs a horse may sense calm and congruence
- Turn toward you with soft eyes and gentle curiosity
- Eat or drink water (often a sign of rest and digest)
- Hold their head in a neutral or lowered position; ears forward or neutral
- Stand with a leg cocked or lie down to rest
Signs a horse may sense stress, activation, or incongruence
- Become restless, busy, or more alert
- Lift their head or pin their ears back
- Break connection and move away
- Test boundaries by crowding your space or bumping you
These are only a few examples, and it’s always more complex than one behavior. It’s about the whole scene: the context, the relationship, and the overall vibe.
That’s also why it’s important to do this work with an experienced equine professional. In session, I use my own dual awareness to track what’s happening and help you and the horses move toward deeper congruence.
How you rewire the nervous system: repetition and returning to the present
Dual awareness helps you stay connected to yourself and your environment in the present moment without getting swallowed by a conditioned response based on the past.
Every time you notice you’re elevated and you come back to reality, you’re reprogramming your nervous system.
Every time you catch an old story and choose to reorient to the present moment, you’re reprogramming your nervous system.
Every time you become aware that your body is reliving an old experience that doesn’t match what is actually happening right now, you’re building a new bridge.
You’re learning to respond to the world as the mature adult you are, instead of like the younger part of you that didn’t know what to do.
Therapy support in Boulder and Denver: equine-assisted therapy, EMDR, and nervous system work
If you’ve been wondering why you can know you’re safe but not feel safe, you’re not alone, and it’s workable.
Dual awareness is one of the ways we start building that bridge.
Want support with this work, with or without horses? Reach out to schedule a consultation and we’ll explore what kind of therapy support fits best.
